How to Communicate With Your Spouse About Money
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Myth: My spouse and I shouldn't talk about money because it only leads to fights.
Truth: You can't have a great relationship until you can communicate and agree about money.
Larry Burkett, noted financial author, says, "Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in our marriages." After years as a financial counselor and working with marriage counselors, I know that money and money fights are the #1 cause of divorce, not to mention the thing we fight about the most.
So if you are married and have money fights, you are normal . But if this is a real problem area for you, there is also an opportunity to improve your relationship and maybe even reach agreement with your spouse. I'm not talking about agreement brought on by surrender, but rather by each person getting a vote, understanding the other's view, and finding common ground.
Let's face it - if we can agree on the checkbook, there would be nothing left to fight about except who gets the remote. But there is so much to fight about and so many opportunities to be misunderstood.
Men and Women are Different
When it comes to money, men tend to take more risks and don't save for emergencies. Men use money as a scorecard and can struggle with self-esteem when there are financial problems. Women tend to see money more as a security issue, so they will gravitate toward the rainy-day fund. Because of their need for security, ladies can have a level of fear - my wife, Sharon, calls it terror - when there are financial problems.
Men and women are different in how they view money , and it is largely because they process problems and opportunities from different vantage points . On top of the fact that men and women are different, opposites attract. So what does that mean?
It means that chances are, if you're married, one of you is good at working numbers (the nerd) and the other one isn't good at working numbers (the free spirit). That isn't the real problem. The problem is when the nerd neglects the input of the free spirit or when the free spirit avoids participating in the financial dealings altogether.
Marriage is a Partnership
Marriage is a partnership. The preacher said, "And now you are ONE." Both parties need to be involved in the finances. Separating the finances and splitting the bills is a bad idea. Listen up, nerds. Don't keep the finances all to yourself. Don't use your "power" to abuse the free spirit.
Free spirits, don't just nod your head and say, "Yeah, that looks great, honey." You have a vote in the budget committee meetings, too. Give feedback, criticism and encouragement. Work on the budget together!
"But what if my spouse won't get on board with me?" many of you wonder. It is tough, but with patience and kindness your spouse will eventually see the light (don't beat them over the head with the need for a budget, and please don't subject your spouse to a lecture of "Dave Says").
As you work on your finances together, you will begin to change your family tree. One of your main goals in your marriage should be to pass a legacy down to your children and grandchildren.
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Money & Relationships
Sometimes we bring our attitude toward money into our relationship from our relationship from our past.
We have to let go of what we did with our money in the past.
We have to work on the present situation of money and the future.
We often carry a problem from the past that dictates our behavior in the present. For example, if we caused a loss of money by breaking expensive things, or losing some money our childhood, we might be afraid to deal with money now because we are afraid that we will lose the money that we are dealing with now.
Not dealing with the problem of our attitude towards money or lack of it is dealing with it in a bad way. It is very important to be able to differentiate and see if your attitude toward money or profit is based on facts or based on some feelings that you carry from the past.
Most of the time our reaction toward disagreement on how to spend money or the way we deal with not having enough money is not because of this particular situation, but is based on some baggage that we carry from the past that manifests at that particular moment.
We use the monetary problems as an excuse for the reason that our relationships do not work. We have to decide what is more important for us: the baggage that we carry (our excuses that we hold onto), or our relationship.
We want to be in control of how much we get, and for sure how much we pay others, or how much we are suppose to spend. Remember that control is also the fear of being controlled by somebody else.
A lot of time you might complain about a problem so much that you start identifying with the problem and you become the problem itself.
It is important to develop a positive attitude toward money because the negative attitude just keeps us stuck in one place. We have to develop a positive attitude with integrity towards money.
Sometimes the negative attitude comes from one of the partners who is critical and very judgmental of the other partner. Sometimes a negative attitude comes with a lot of aggression, or sometimes passive-aggression. Active aggression is expressed by constantly criticizing the partner and showing one's own negativity.
Sometimes we have a partner in a relationship who constantly behaves as a victim and tries to present as a very positive personality. Being positive and judging the other partner negatively is mirroring one's own negativity with a lot of sugar coating.
A positive attitude toward money can be negative if it comes with judgment, or not accepting any other way.
We learn to accept nature the way it is when there is a forest fire. We accept it because we know that there is a reason for it. Maybe the vegetation is too thick, or maybe there is a need for fertilization, so we let the fire be. On the other hand, when one partner asks for a certain amount of money or wants to treat money in a certain way, we do not accept it and we want to change their attitude. We have to control the use of money. Try to go with the flow. Accepting is not just not blaming your partner for everything that is wrong; however, going the other way and blaming yourself can cause the victim mentality that will create passive-aggressive behavior.
It is true that some times we are convinced that we are 100 % right
in the way we want to deal with the money or with certain decisions involving money; however, we have to ask ourselves what will we get out of our insisting on being right. Let us always ask ourselves: We are right and what did we get out of it? Ask yourself, do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?
Maybe there is a payoff when we feel bad.
So let us choose what we have.
In other words, if you have a problem with money or with the way our spouse treats us with respect to money, and you know that there is a solution for the situation, there is no reason to worry about it. If you have a problem with money and you know that there is no solution, why worry about it. It won't get you anywhere.
Voltaire said that 90% of his life he spent worrying about problems and disasters that never materialized.
You are not going to change your partner. A partner who is a spender will continue to be spender, so you need to make a plan how to work it together.
Is Money Hurting Your Relationship? Is a third party interfering in your relationship? If you have a wallet in your handbag or pocket, the answer may well be yes. Money, if not handled properly, has the potential to threaten even the best of relationships . Greg Bell, founder of ihatebudgets, believes that couples can grow together instead of apart because of money, provided they take the right steps to do so.
Money is the number one cause of marital fights in the US and is a major factor contributing to divorces. With two thirds of Australian households in some form of debt , and the country's household savings moving into the negative in the past four years (AMP: NATSEM Income and Wealth Report Issue 9, 2004), the likelihood of financial matters becoming an issue between couples is ever increasing. Money is such a significant factor in relationship breakdowns in Australia that relationship counsellors are setting up specific programs for couples to learn about managing their finances as part of their relationship counselling services.
Thankfully, as Managing Director of ihatebudgets Greg Bell explains, there are simple steps that you can take to stop money getting between you and your partner.
Common goals - "You must have smarter common goals", Greg explains, "everyone needs purpose, and relevant goals are the key to healthy finances". It's one thing to think about what you want, but setting effective goals involves thinking through specific, measurable steps to get there within a set time-frame. "Often within relationships there is likely to be a frugal and a spender. It's essential that before embarking on a financial project - even a simple budget - each of you determine what it is they are trying to achieve and how you're going to get there together".
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